@djdarrellripley

Her: Did you just ask that woman out?

Me: Yes…

Her: And? What’d she say?

Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”

You Might Also Like

@SirEviscerate

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

@withanewname

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

@Lisabug74

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

@Lisabug74

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

@SnarkyMommy78

I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

@broodingYAhero

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

@jessokfine

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

@WilliamRodgers

“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”

-Disney’s Frozen

I paused the movie to tweet this…

@MisfitMuse

The heart is a barefoot child that keeps running in and out of traffic.