Her: Did you just ask that woman out?

Me: Yes…

Her: And? What’d she say?

Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”

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GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE


Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday


My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.


*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”


I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.


For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.


How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?


“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”

-Disney’s Frozen

I paused the movie to tweet this…


The heart is a barefoot child that keeps running in and out of traffic.