her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
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You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
how to have fun when you’re poor
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire