her: did you know Weezer covered Africa

me: [impressed] with what

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Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.


I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.


My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.


I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do


78% of parenting is spent anxiously praying they don’t notice the minuscule lego piece you just vacuumed up.


If there’s one thing that Twitter has taught me its that all the weird kids in school eventually find each other.


Give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you’ll have to fix the washing machine yourself with YouTube videos


Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.


Wife:Have you seen the bag of dog treats?

Me:*flashback of drunk me eating what I thought was a bag of beef jerky..


W: Really? Idiot.


If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.