Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
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My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
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78% of parenting is spent anxiously praying they don’t notice the minuscule lego piece you just vacuumed up.
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Give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you’ll have to fix the washing machine yourself with YouTube videos
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Wife:Have you seen the bag of dog treats?
Me:*flashback of drunk me eating what I thought was a bag of beef jerky..
W: Really? Idiot.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.