@Holy_Mowgli

her: did you know Weezer covered Africa

me: [impressed] with what

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@LostFelicia

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

@Chumpstring

I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

@Marlebean

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

@ieatanddrink

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

@Bluestmoon_

78% of parenting is spent anxiously praying they don’t notice the minuscule lego piece you just vacuumed up.

@littlekitnerboy

If there’s one thing that Twitter has taught me its that all the weird kids in school eventually find each other.

@dumbbeezie

Give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you’ll have to fix the washing machine yourself with YouTube videos

@Shade510

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.

@jergarl

Wife:Have you seen the bag of dog treats?

Me:*flashback of drunk me eating what I thought was a bag of beef jerky..

No?

W: Really? Idiot.

@E_lok44

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.