her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
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[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.