her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
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What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Life is a suicide mission.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Just got to our Airbnb!
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”