Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
You Might Also Like
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing