@UnFitz

Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.

Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.

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@DurtMcHurtt

I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

@LosLos__

Why is everyone smiling at me today?

*checks fly*

*no pants*

Aaaah.

@Staggfilms

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!

@existentialcoms

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.

@InternetHippo

*turns on the news*

I wonder if things are getting better in the wor–

tv: AN ALLIGATOR ATE A BABY

@SteveKoehler22

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

@WhiskeyPotPie

If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.

@rockymomax

ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature

@GrantTanaka

[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]