[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Her: ‘Dinner is in the crock pot.’
Me: ‘Nice – what is it?’
Her: ‘It’s like this ceramic slow cooker thingy.’
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No thanks, diet. I don’t trust words that are 75% die.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
More tattoo artists really just need to say “No, I’m not doing that.”
ME: Billions of bacteria live on and inside my body
INTERVIEWER: I meant tell me about yourself job-wise
It hurts my feelings when people call me a failure. I’d rather people think of me as successfully challenged.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .