@mack44_d

Her: ‘Dinner is in the crock pot.’

Me: ‘Nice – what is it?’

Her: ‘It’s like this ceramic slow cooker thingy.’

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@ericsshadow

[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.

@ohpeetie

No thanks, diet. I don’t trust words that are 75% die.

@ficklenuts

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

@jegheterbella

More tattoo artists really just need to say “No, I’m not doing that.”

@InternetHippo

ME: Billions of bacteria live on and inside my body
INTERVIEWER: I meant tell me about yourself job-wise

@Freudstombstone

It hurts my feelings when people call me a failure. I’d rather people think of me as successfully challenged.

@SequelsWeWant

Inside Out 2:

The girl enters puberty.

Her emotions get out of control.

She goes Goth.

Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep

@rachelle_mandik

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Did you look in your purse?

Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!

Me:

Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…

@robdelaney

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .