@clichedout

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen

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@titusbb

A roofie? .. but how does a roof take a picture of itself? I’m so confused.

@thedad

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

@Dawn_M_

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

@amietorii

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

@AlexvanBeek

EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.

@Matty_Softmitts

I confuse “playing dead” with “playing dumb” so if I ever encounter a bear I’ll probably be like “Listen, I don’t even know how I got here.”

@iCumBl00d

Why do they hand out Kleenex at funerals if you’re not supposed to jerk off in the back row

@Shade510

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

@hunz74

The most rewarding part of my job is meeting and working with so many uniquely terrible personalities.