A roofie? .. but how does a roof take a picture of itself? I’m so confused.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
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Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
I confuse “playing dead” with “playing dumb” so if I ever encounter a bear I’ll probably be like “Listen, I don’t even know how I got here.”
Why do they hand out Kleenex at funerals if you’re not supposed to jerk off in the back row
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
The most rewarding part of my job is meeting and working with so many uniquely terrible personalities.