Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
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photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
respect
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Breaking news:
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation