@kentgrossarth

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

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@sixfootcandy

Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.

@someonesmomma

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

@TwinSurvivalist

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

@Dawn_M_

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

@bazecraze

It’s only been a few days, but I’m starting to forget everything I knew about Mitch Romley.

@knot_eye

[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”