Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
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13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
🙅🏻
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
What’s a Messi?
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.