Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
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STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
March: Complete Lockdown
April: 70s bush is back
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
me as a parent
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
It’s only been a few days, but I’m starting to forget everything I knew about Mitch Romley.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”