@WilliamAder

Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.

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@FrogAvalanche

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

@Parkerlawyer

An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.

You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.

@chuuew

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal

@jazmasta

By the way it was me who set those sheep free to roam around the courtroom during your divorce hearing. In case ewe were wandering.

@Staggfilms

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

@simoncholland

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

@WaxDragonflies

Me- wtf who ate all the Oreos??

17-you did. Yesterday. I saw you.

Me- go to your room.

@AndrewNadeau0

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

@Philosopherbing

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan