this is the funniest shit i’ve seen all week
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
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911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
By the way it was me who set those sheep free to roam around the courtroom during your divorce hearing. In case ewe were wandering.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Me- wtf who ate all the Oreos??
17-you did. Yesterday. I saw you.
Me- go to your room.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan