Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.

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The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.


Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired


Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”


ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and


[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good


*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?


[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]


My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said “ugh” and I’ve never agreed with him more


“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography


[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok