The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
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Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
PLS JUST DO IT
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said “ugh” and I’ve never agreed with him more
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok