@WilliamAder

Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.

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@Mom_Overboard

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

@BoogTweets

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

@ShesARealGenius

[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”

@Holy_Mowgli

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

@flashember

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

@1slowery1

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

@CornOnTheGoblin

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

@barfolishus

My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said “ugh” and I’ve never agreed with him more

@elle91

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography

@DaddyJew

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok