HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
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do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.