I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
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I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I unironically love this joke.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
the three genders
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.