nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
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[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
listen closely
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.