Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Her: Do you have any kids?
Me: I have 2 step kids
Her: None of your own?
Her: How come?
Her: I’m sorry what?
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Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
I always keep a google search for “how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them” open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be