@THEINBREDCAT

Her: Do you have any kids?
Me: I have 2 step kids
Her: None of your own?
Me: no
Her: How come?
Me: facials
Her: I’m sorry what?
Me: What?

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@kimtopher22

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.

@OVLH

I always keep a google search for “how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them” open on my phone in case anyone steals it.

@BigJDubz

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

@sofarrsogud

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

@lolumOKUR

Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter

@BigJDubz

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

@jordan_stratton

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

@Havish_AF

I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?

HER: i mean what else would it be