It’s all fun and games until HR sends an email with “Your Twitter Account” in the subject line.
Her: Do you have any kids?
Me: I have 2 step kids
Her: None of your own?
Her: How come?
Her: I’m sorry what?
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Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
A cooked human contains around 81500 calories, enough to feed me for 2 months.
Anyways hi, I’m Krispy & this is my first time speed dating.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.