Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
You Might Also Like
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Ape together strong
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit