Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
You Might Also Like
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
just witnessed a drug deal
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.