Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
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I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.