Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
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It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Salad is the decaf of food.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.