Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
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Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
😜
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it