Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
You Might Also Like
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
[First Day as a doctor]
Nurse: We need to draw some blood
Me: *Sweating* I forgot my crayons and drawing sheets
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”