@ClichedOut

Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?

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@SadPeruna

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

@joshgondelman

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

@Reverend_Scott

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP

OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles

COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP

OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude

COP: Just go. I give up.

@Boleyngirly

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

@mattZillaaaa

Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent

@nevernicethings

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

@Jerrypleasure

[First Day as a doctor]

Nurse: We need to draw some blood

Me: *Sweating* I forgot my crayons and drawing sheets

Patient: *fainted*

@OneFunnyMummy

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”