HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
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Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Beware of fowl play.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.