According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Her: Do you still keep in touch with your ex-wife?
Me: Only by “automatic withdrawal.”
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Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Doing a low-budget but equally spiritually fulfilling version of Eat, Pray, Love entitled Gas Station, CVS, Return A Dress To Macy’s.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
*buying a new phone* How many mega pickles does the camera have?
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
[At job interview]
M. “No, English is my second language.”
I. “What’s your first language then?”
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Why do countries “cut ties”
when things get tense ?
So weird having men walk around
in suits and half ties.