Her: Do you still keep in touch with your ex-wife?

Me: Only by “automatic withdrawal.”

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According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.


Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me


Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.


Doing a low-budget but equally spiritually fulfilling version of Eat, Pray, Love entitled Gas Station, CVS, Return A Dress To Macy’s.


Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.


*buying a new phone* How many mega pickles does the camera have?


[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!


[At job interview]
M. “No, English is my second language.”
I. “What’s your first language then?”
M. “Emoji.”


A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic


Why do countries “cut ties”
when things get tense ?

So weird having men walk around
in suits and half ties.