@djdarrellripley

Her: Do you still keep in touch with your ex-wife?

Me: Only by “automatic withdrawal.”

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@StellaGMaddox

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

@cakickboxher

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

@calluptome

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

@LizHackett

Doing a low-budget but equally spiritually fulfilling version of Eat, Pray, Love entitled Gas Station, CVS, Return A Dress To Macy’s.

@krishna_van

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.

@ThaJawn

*buying a new phone* How many mega pickles does the camera have?

@sixfootcandy

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

@garrettbarry70

[At job interview]
M. “No, English is my second language.”
I. “What’s your first language then?”
M. “Emoji.”

@lotterydude

A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic

@SteveKoehler22

Why do countries “cut ties”
when things get tense ?

So weird having men walk around
in suits and half ties.