Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Her: Do you still keep in touch with your ex-wife?
Me: Only by “automatic withdrawal.”
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If I had a fake leg it would be a see-thru plastic one full of jelly beans and I’d only charge kids a dime for a handful like the old days.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
ME: Lord, what have I done to deserve this
GOD: *unfurls a scroll that keeps going for miles* Well
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.