Her: Do you still keep in touch with your ex-wife?

Me: Only by “automatic withdrawal.”

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Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.


If I had a fake leg it would be a see-thru plastic one full of jelly beans and I’d only charge kids a dime for a handful like the old days.


When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.


If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.


[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen


ME: Lord, what have I done to deserve this
GOD: *unfurls a scroll that keeps going for miles* Well


[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.


Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.


I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.


Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.