@Shade510

Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.

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@mstluvstrinkets

Is it against the law for postal workers to smile or was it my audacity to mail something?

@IamEnidColeslaw

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”

@lawyerthoughts

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

@Parker_Simpson

I wonder if ppl who design new kinds of toilet paper ever think,”Why do we ever try? ppl are gonna shit all over this new design”

@InstaTrent

A vegan girl told me that, “If you eat beef, you’re basically a velociraptor.”

In what world is that not totally awesome.

@TheTweetOfGod

He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. Shut up, is basically what I’m saying.

@JohnLyonTweets

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

@hellohappy_time

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry

@natalayhehoo

It’s all fun and games until you accidently grab the hand sanitizer instead of the lube.