Is it against the law for postal workers to smile or was it my audacity to mail something?
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
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Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I wonder if ppl who design new kinds of toilet paper ever think,”Why do we ever try? ppl are gonna shit all over this new design”
A vegan girl told me that, “If you eat beef, you’re basically a velociraptor.”
In what world is that not totally awesome.
He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. Shut up, is basically what I’m saying.
I hate Instagram
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
It’s all fun and games until you accidently grab the hand sanitizer instead of the lube.