Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
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Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
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I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !