Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.

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What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating


They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink


You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.


Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!


Synchronized swimmers are cool and all, but nothing will ever be as in sync as you and the person trying to get out of each other’s way when you’re both in a hurry.


Can’t wait for it to get dark earlier so I can pick my nose in traffic.


I thought I found my soul mate for a minute there, but he was just a pervert on the internet.

*runs after him


I have twin brothers named Juan and Amal. I only carry a picture of one of them because if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.


I gave up and “folded” the fitted sheet into a rope so I could shimmy down from the 3rd floor to escape folding laundry.


Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.