Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.

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Is it against the law for postal workers to smile or was it my audacity to mail something?


Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”


If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.


I wonder if ppl who design new kinds of toilet paper ever think,”Why do we ever try? ppl are gonna shit all over this new design”


A vegan girl told me that, “If you eat beef, you’re basically a velociraptor.”

In what world is that not totally awesome.


He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. Shut up, is basically what I’m saying.


Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.


To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry


It’s all fun and games until you accidently grab the hand sanitizer instead of the lube.