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*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
buys donuts instead
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time