her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
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This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
These work great until they don’t.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
There are no pants in heaven.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick