Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
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When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst