@djdarrellripley

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

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@jctwritesstuff

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

@PaperWash

Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.

@SortaBad

Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups

@anbrll00

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

@jaboukie

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

@DanMentos

[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff

@FunkyFresh_79

[runs inside of a gas station]

“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game

@DaddyJew

Doctor: what’s your vegetable intake look like?

Me: that depends on what you think of veggie straws

@jollyrobber

If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.

@Wakenbake77

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.