Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
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Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Actually cracking up @ this
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice