I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
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I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
beware of dog
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
cyclists
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.