If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Her: Don’t make this weird.
Me: I don’t know any other way to do things.
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“No, after you.”
“If you insist.”
– Canadian Dirty Talk
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Even though my dad is a Trump supporter I let him borrow my car because I’m a good person. I mean, I’m going to report it stolen, but still.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Interviewer: no, I meant any applicable skills?
Me: *still making goldfish lip kisses
Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer.
How to tie the strongest knot ever: 1) put some earbuds in your pocket 2) wait one minute
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”
My oldest bra can smoke now.