@_steamy_mac

Her: Don’t make this weird.
Me: I don’t know any other way to do things.

Her: Don’t make this weird.
Me: I don’t know any other way to do things.

- @_steamy_mac

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@burnie

Interviewer: what qualifies you to be an Uber driver?

*Candidate tells rambling 5 hour story*

Interviewer: you’re just what we need

@jackiembouvier

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

@Sorrowscopes

Libra: You wake up fastened to a wooden stake. People in goat masks are dancing around a bonfire. We’ll be honest. Things don’t look good.

@MarfSalvador

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

@Smartassylassy

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

@Petote

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

@MentalAbortions

I’m pretty sure they weren’t talking about stupid when they told you, “If you got it flaunt it.”

@dksc4life

her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?

@bourgeoisalien

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead