Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
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I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*