Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
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i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
(2022)
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
True statement👍😏😁
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
we did it you guys we saved daylight