That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
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I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him