her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
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[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*