her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
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Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
The happy life.. 😊