Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
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An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.