@DumbConfessions

Her: Eckspecially.

Me: *walks away*

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@chelliet22

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

@rolldiggity

Hate when the cop is like, “Sir, have you been petting kittens?” and I say, “I petted a few…” as I open the car door and kittens spill out

@BrownDogBlanket

People think I’m a good listener because I am quiet when they’re talking, but really I’m just thinking of how I can create a diversion and run away.

@iamspacegirl

“And then the Bears mauled Goldilocks to death and ate her, reminding us that home invasion never has a happy ending.”

@leshnevsky

Adroit python swallowed male and female rabbits and doesn’t need a food anymore.

@TheBoydP

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.

@TheCatWhisprer

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

@GorillaNipples1

[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*

@Sickayduh

NURSE: Doctor, I’ve lost the cat’s pulse

VET: Ok. Time of death is 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, and 10:05