Her: Eckspecially.

Me: *walks away*

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my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse


Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”


Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”


To back up his “every action has an equal and opposite reaction” theory, Newton should’ve released one simultaneously saying “no it doesn’t”


Him: I just want a stable relationship.
Me: Yeah, horses are cool.
Him: ……..

Flirting is hard, you guys.


A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.


Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed

Me: *turns on my cpap machine*

Her: Not like that


I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.