Her: Eckspecially.

Me: *walks away*

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I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.


Hate when the cop is like, “Sir, have you been petting kittens?” and I say, “I petted a few…” as I open the car door and kittens spill out


People think I’m a good listener because I am quiet when they’re talking, but really I’m just thinking of how I can create a diversion and run away.


“And then the Bears mauled Goldilocks to death and ate her, reminding us that home invasion never has a happy ending.”


Adroit python swallowed male and female rabbits and doesn’t need a food anymore.


Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.


They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.


[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*


NURSE: Doctor, I’ve lost the cat’s pulse

VET: Ok. Time of death is 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, and 10:05