@DumbConfessions

Her: Eckspecially.

Me: *walks away*

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@jillboard

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

@audipenny

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

@bartandsoul

Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

@NickMotown

To back up his “every action has an equal and opposite reaction” theory, Newton should’ve released one simultaneously saying “no it doesn’t”

@wickedsuga

Him: I just want a stable relationship.
Me: Yeah, horses are cool.
Him: ……..

Flirting is hard, you guys.

@caseytduncan

A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.

@SvnSxty

Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed

Me: *turns on my cpap machine*

Her: Not like that

@beefman138

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.