my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Me: *walks away*
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Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
To back up his “every action has an equal and opposite reaction” theory, Newton should’ve released one simultaneously saying “no it doesn’t”
Him: I just want a stable relationship.
Me: Yeah, horses are cool.
Flirting is hard, you guys.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I had no idea she was allergic to rat poison your honor
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I don’t like Russian dolls.
They are so full of themselves.