Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
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People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible