Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
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bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.