@Skoogeth

Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.

Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?

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@AndyAsAdjective

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

@envydatropic

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

@AlexvanBeek

Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation

@3sunzzz

The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.

@sarbeaaaar

MY DENTIST ASKED HIS ASSISTANT TO SUCTION (THE WATER OUT OF MY MOUTH)BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS TALKING TO ME SO I SUCKED HIS FINGER. IM MORTIFIED

@EdgarAllanLo

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

@abbygov

“you’re so beautiful” nice try Jesse the Uber driver, i bet you say that to all the vulnerable and scared women who get into your car alone

@AristotlesNZ

8yo: Ghosts real?
Me: No!
4yo: I heard groaning last night
8yo: & a bed squeaking and moaning
4yo: What was that?
Me: ..
Them: ..
Me: Ghosts

@paigellwanger97

i could miss 4 days of school in a row in HS and have all A’s and you zone out for 38 seconds in college and ur grade goes from a B to a G

@UnFitz

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.