FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
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Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
MY DENTIST ASKED HIS ASSISTANT TO SUCTION (THE WATER OUT OF MY MOUTH)BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS TALKING TO ME SO I SUCKED HIS FINGER. IM MORTIFIED
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
“you’re so beautiful” nice try Jesse the Uber driver, i bet you say that to all the vulnerable and scared women who get into your car alone
8yo: Ghosts real?
4yo: I heard groaning last night
8yo: & a bed squeaking and moaning
4yo: What was that?
i could miss 4 days of school in a row in HS and have all A’s and you zone out for 38 seconds in college and ur grade goes from a B to a G
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.