@Gupton68

Her: Explain Twitter to me

Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?

H: Yes

Me: Much the same, just less compassion

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@WhiskeyPotPie

If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.

@david8hughes

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

@lucky_300

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

@joeldanger

If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day

@brennadine

[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS

@Brampersandon_

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Wife: Let me do the talking

Cop: No, I’ll do the talking

Me: Why is your wife even with you

Cop: There you go, I said this would happen

@TheAlexNevil

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

@blimeyguvnor

I got the lyrics wrong and partied like it’s 1599. Now my kitchen smells like roast peacock and I can’t get this horse off my couch

@IMBeanz

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.