Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
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ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Isn’t
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?