Uber should have a way of showing fare charges while trip is still going on, so you can know when to come down and start trekking
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
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If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Me: I have to lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise everyday.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet, eat healthy and hit the gym.
Me: Is that cake?
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass
Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food
Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white
Synopsis: My cat is a cow
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Don’t be sad when your exes unfollow you. It just means they’ll spend more time manually checking your updates