@djdarrellripley

Her: Feed me!

Me: To what?

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@simoncholland

Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?

@Staggfilms

[exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.

@huntigula

her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…

him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?

@bigmacher

You’ve been promoted to customer

#FireSomeonePolitely

@wife3kidsnodogs

Wife: I’m hungry!
Me: I’ll order pizza
Wife: YOU THINK I’M FAT!
Me: *whispering* Has it been 28 days already?
Wife: WHAT?!
Me: what what??

@AdamOfEarth

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
It’s a ball of gas and fire
It can’t hear you.

@BoogTweets

Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?

Her: Sparkling water.

@SaraESpivey

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

@mattytalks

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend