@djdarrellripley

Her: Feed me!

Me: To what?

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@Douchekevin

Anyone who says ‘they wish they could be a fly on the wall’ has clearly never been attacked by a woman with a rolled up newspaper.

@Sir_Strange

Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.

@squirrel74wkgn

Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

@MatCro

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.

@NrouteHQ

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves

@mattgallo123

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”

@michel_lesann

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

@1followernodad

My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.

@ElgatoEsmio

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

@andreahardy33

Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.