Anyone who says ‘they wish they could be a fly on the wall’ has clearly never been attacked by a woman with a rolled up newspaper.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
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Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.