@Sickayduh

Her: *flipping pages* Ya know, everything doesn’t have to be about you
Me: but that’s my autobiography

Her: *flipping pages* Ya know, everything doesn’t have to be about you
Me: but that’s my autobiography

- @Sickayduh

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@zachraffio

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

@SoVeryBritish

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits

@Lani_Hayden

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

@Cheeseboy22

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”

@TheMichaelRock

*leaves one cupcake in work kitchen*

*watches live version of Hunger Games*

@DudeImShawn

Live today like it’s your last.

Pay your bills and wear a condom just in case it isn’t.

@JimmerThatisAll

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

@shkeeber

I may not be the sharpest sandwich in the tree, but put my pants on one sleeve at a time just like you.

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