HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
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Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
lmfao come on
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.