Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
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Weirdly Wednesday.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
mood
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it