Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
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My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
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Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Lmao
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
me after eating Cheetos
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.