Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
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If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?