sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
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WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.