Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
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Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
This could’ve been an email.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.