I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
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Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
ovens are insane
“oh thats just my box of invisible fire i heat dead things in”
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Your ‘Chemistry’ with your girlfriend is great if you remember her ‘Periodic Table’.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
ME: time for sleep
BRAIN: what if potatoes could talk
BRAIN: and make friends with one another
ME: please stop
BRAIN: best spuds
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.