@HomeProbably

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

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@stephenjmolloy

[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*

@thedad

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

@nappydolemite

Wife: “We’ve had too many children. Where will they all sleep?”

Husband: “I don’t know. Just stack ’em in the corners or something.”

– how bunk beds were invented

@Dutch_50

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

@merewillis

My husband showed me beautiful flowers on his phone & said, “Look, I got you some flowers.”

So I put them in a vase of water.

#LastLaugh

@junejuly12

I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.

He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.

@iwearaonesie

me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it

@TheMichaelRock

Boss: Why did you call off yesterday?

Me: You said I should do what’s best for the company.

Boss….

Me: I’ll take that promotion now.

@MarfSalvador

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

@heatherjs

Why does everyone want me to come out of my comfort zone? I worked really hard to get there.