@HomeProbably

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

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@AnkCoupleTO

I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up

@bourgeoisalien

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

@mallelis

ovens are insane
“oh thats just my box of invisible fire i heat dead things in”

@twink_mufc

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

@3sunzzz

[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”

@LlamaInaTux

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

@TheLastPeg

Your ‘Chemistry’ with your girlfriend is great if you remember her ‘Periodic Table’.

@sarcasticmommy4

Parenting through the years:

1st kid: Organic food only

2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”

3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”

@matt___nelson

ME: time for sleep
BRAIN: what if potatoes could talk
ME: ugh
BRAIN: and make friends with one another
ME: please stop
BRAIN: best spuds

@whatmaddness

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.