Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
You Might Also Like
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.