Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
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Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
dads on road-trips be like
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.