Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
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It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.