Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
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I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
shampoo implies shampee
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog