Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
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“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
technically true but not a great slogan
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS