@goodhairperson

Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.

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@odannyboy

DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.

@JohnLyonTweets

Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?

@0hJuliette

Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉

@hansabumsadaisy

My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.

#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@Naked_Superman

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

@Fred_Delicious

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

@fro_vo

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

@MJMcKean

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.