@goodhairperson

Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.

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@undeadmolly

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

@NuclearBavarian

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

@thecrabbyhook

You know how one lie leads to another? Well, to cut a long story short, my 7yo daughter now thinks she’s allergic to owls.

@BoomBoomBetty

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

@3sunzzz

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?

@egg_dog

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

@heatherlou_

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

@AristotlesNZ

Me: Diets suck. Why I gotta do it too?
Her: No I in team
Me: Isn’t 1 in diet either.
Her: Yes there..
Me: I’m too hungry for your mindgames!

@Shut_up_Marissa

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!

@twylaredsun

I hate when I see an old person and then realize I went to high school with them.