Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.

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My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.


A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.


You know how one lie leads to another? Well, to cut a long story short, my 7yo daughter now thinks she’s allergic to owls.


[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]



[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?


dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment


If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.


Me: Diets suck. Why I gotta do it too?
Her: No I in team
Me: Isn’t 1 in diet either.
Her: Yes there..
Me: I’m too hungry for your mindgames!


I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*


I hate when I see an old person and then realize I went to high school with them.